I’ve worked with a herd of horses almost daily for over a decade. The friendships I’ve nurtured with each and every horse bring me so much joy, but the relationship I’ve nurtured with myself has been the gem of growth and personal power.
Working with and for these magnificent horses for all these years has given me perspective on how being consistent (and persistent) have completely changed my life. The insight into how a consistent practice over long spans of time and persisting in the face of perceived failures or unmet expectations, is not only a guaranteed recipe for success, but actually a self-love project.
I call it a self-love project because over time, a deep sense of happiness mingles with the accomplishment of sticking with something and committing to get better, regardless of my inner judge’s opinion of circumstance on any particular day! It may be because horses are so forgiving of all my mistakes, or maybe that they take so much work to care for…but either way, it is a relationship that combines love, respect, hard-work, humility, joy, and silent communion into a unique recipe just for me!
I wish I had one story that illustrates this transformation, but truly the story is in the thousands of miles in the woods together, thousands of buckets of horse feed dished out and flakes of brome hay spread for ‘lunch dessert’, not to mention the millions of piles of poop scooped and kiss for a treat transactions. Consistency’s story is the sum of every detail. every act of service, and even all the failures.
The self-acceptance required in moment after moment of rapidly changing circumstances and constant care at the barn is humbling. Each detail forgotten or learned for the first time grants me a moment to either judge myself or love myself. Over the years, I have trained myself to reliably choose to love myself! I think the example set by the horses themselves simply slowly permeated my heart and banished my inner judge. Horses try so hard to do what their person is asking until they are mentally tired out. They don’t critique themselves for the their actions or inaction, they simply try again. We humans could take a page out of their book for sure. Our collective self-worth would skyrocket!
One moment comes to mind as the fruit of my practice was after a spring ride down the silty water’s edge of the Knik River in Butte, AK. (Of course, Spring in Alaska just means sunlight once again…the snow and ice, feeling ever-present…still dominate our landscape.)
After riding several miles at the river’s edge, we arrived back quietly nestled between two huge mountain ranges. The horses typically love to roll in the mineral rich black slit found by the river, so I dismounted, thanked my horse Jack for the ride, and removed his bareback pad. In the next breath, down he went for a glorious roll. I could see and feel his joy in grooming himself in the dirt, for finishing the ride, for loving the landscape, and for being with me. When he jumped up to his feet, he reached out with his head and leaned in to place his forehead against mine. That tender moment of offering himself to me is still impossible to accurately articulate. It was an acknowledgment of a shared joy in our experience at the gray silty river that day, but also of our life, the culmination of all that had become our relationship. This moment will remain with me as one of the most powerful ways that joy, gratitude, respect, and love have ever been shown to me.
This moment changed my life. It got me wondering, how do I respect myself? My answer has taken some persistence on my part, but I had the a most consistent partner. My moments at the barn, embracing my family and friends, and by taking quiet moments to remind myself that, like my horse, I am enough and deserve my love just for being me.
embracing your wholeness 